Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Some of the learning (day 35)

Hello, friends.

Five weeks now, and I'm starting to see where I've been changed and developed by Nancy's loss. She seems to be doing well also.

My sense of her is that she is detaching from us, returning to more essential form, and doing what she needs to do. Contact is only once every four or five days now, and when I do feel her, she is more ethereal, less personal.  When she dropped completely out of contact a week ago, I was plunged into the fullness of my loss, and had a long, painful night alone. God, my tears are endless.  Little things crack the dam every day...I heard "Hollywood Swinging" by Kool & The Gang on the radio last week, thought about Nancy discoing in LA listening to that song thirty years ago, and had to pull over in my car to cry it out.  My home is empty, my heart has a hole in it, and it takes all my discipline to avoid pouring too much wine on my sadness, or seeking endless distraction.

I also realize that I've lost nearly all my lingering fear of death. I've had such a solid sense of Nancy's spirit at times, I cannot deny it, and however little I know about experience after dying, I am completely reassured that it exists. I've also felt Nancy in safe, secure, blissful places, and Palden-la told me last week that she believed Nancy was in the Land of the Taras. I don't know much about what that would be, but resting in a place that full of compassion and resource must be wonderful.

I have more information about our memorial service on February 8th.

- the correct name of the church is Sei Ko Kai Christ Church

One of my friends tells me that this is a gathering place for Japanese who spent time in our internment camps during World War II, and that they have a wonderful community.

- Please plan to arrive at 6:45pm. The service will begin promptly at 7:00pm.

- Please let me know by Friday if you plan to attend. We are trying to get an idea of how many to expect.

- The service should not last more than an hour.

I would still love to hear more Nancy stories! One of our friends confirmed Tina Pfeil's sailboat story, and also mentioned how Nancy used to power-nap under his desk at Walker in the early '80's, perfect hair, elegant clothes and all.


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