Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The limits of endurance (day 56)

Good evening.

Even before I got here today, Nancy was deep in conversation with our friend Tina Benson, who married us just over five years ago. Nancy has had enough. Enough treatment, enough hanging on in the face of a hopeless situation, enough discomfort and indignity and medicine and treatment and handling. Babbas Andreadis got here around 5:30, and talked with her and separately with Tina and I. Nancy's choice is clear, to all of us. Those of you who know Nancy well also know how decisive she is.

So we have changed her treatment completely. She's been breathing on her own with pressure support for more than a day, so the change was pretty easy and gentle. She is now medicated to handle all pain and anxiety, and is back on a trache collar, breathing air for herself. She's not getting any more antibiotics. She is dozing, able to hear us,and looks completely relaxed and comfortable as Tina and I sit vigil with her tonight. I've called her family, and I expect they will be visiting soon.

Please pray for her peace, send her your love, remember all that she is, and cherish her. We expect her to slip away sometime soon, perhaps tonight, perhaps tomorrow.or the next day.

I had a white light dream last night, and now I know why. I've told her again how I love her very much, that I chose her. I pray to be fully present for this, and for her to find the love she has always doubted, to join the light I dreamt of. We hold her in our hearts, and wait.


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